"Sissy, am I beautiful?"

I've been trying to figure out how exactly to write this for a few days now, trying to figure out which problem needed to be addressed. Body image? Society and media? Finally I think I got it. I hope it doesn't sound too much like a rant, but it's something the Lord has really laid on my heart lately.

It all started last week when I caught Chloe (the 6 year-old) looking in the mirror for the umpteenth time that day. I asked her why she looked in the mirror so much, and she said "I want to be beautiful." I was heartbroken, why would the cutest little kid I know worry about feeling beautiful? I asked her why she thought she wasn't beautiful and she said "The kids at school tell me I'm not."

First off, let me say that those little kids are very lucky I am a calm Christian, because if I were a psychotic overprotective sister they would be in trouble. Second off, WHAT!?! My little sister didn't think she was beautiful because some ignorant kids at school told her so? She then said something that made it all make sense "They are bullies."

Listen, let me be the first to tell you that I was picked on in school, quite a bit actually. If my parents would have been like most parents nowadays they likely would have created a big scene that would have culminated in having me change schools. I mean it was pretty bad. In middle school and high school I was told on more than one occasion to end my own life (Seriously who says that? Obviously not someone who has been affected by a suicide). But here's the amazing thing, I didn't do it. I think there are some major problems with society today that actually feed the "bully" culture rather than stop it.

Well first off, I think that we have created a society that tries to fix the bully rather than help the victim. I grew up in the early beginnings of the "Be a friend, not a bully" campaign. I remember watching show after show about having to taking a stand when you see bullying, you know, tell them to stop and get a teacher. While I think that this is a great idea, I also know that kids can be harsh, and sometimes telling a teacher does nothing to stop the problem. While, on tv the bullies and the bullied always hug and become the best of friends,  in real life, this rarely happens. There are some people who picked on me over the years and to this day whenever I see them a look of disgust is how they return my smile. What we aren't friends? We don't sit around a fire and sing Kumbaya? What do you mean they aren't in jail? I thought all the downright rotten bullies end up being losers? Nope, some of them actually have quite a bit going for them. Sometimes the bad guy gets away without so much as a slap on the hand.

So how do I wake up every morning with a smile on my face (I'm a morning person)? I mean shouldn't my heart be crushed? Well, rather than trying to fix the bully (because clearly that didn't work), I fixed myself. Before people start jumping on my back yelling "NEVER CHANGE! BE WHO YOU ARE! DON'T LET BULLIES MAKE YOU AFRAID TO BE YOU!" First off, take a chill pill, just because you like yourself doesn't mean you aren't a terrible person (that's scientifically proven*). I mean there is no such thing as being "too smart," but there is such thing as being a conceited know-it-all. So maybe the "bullies" are not accurate in their insults, but maybe I need some time to reflect on what they said. Maybe there is a specific behavior I could tweak. I'm not changing for them, I'm changing for me, in order to improve every interaction I have. Second off that's not even the kind of fixing I was talking about.

I remember coming home one day, complaining to my mom that this high school girl on the bus kept picking on me. My mom asked me a simple question that changed my mindset: "Why do you keep sitting next to her?" Wow, I never thought about it. By changing seats I wasn't depriving myself of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (seriously the people I sat next to were killing my brain cells by the dozens anyway), but I was depriving her of the chance of pick on me. I carried this tip with me throughout my school years, and sometimes it meant I didn't get to sit where I wanted to, and is that unfair? Yup, but life's unfair and at the end of the day what mattered more: that I didn't get picked on or that I didn't sit where I wanted to? That's why I hated classes with seating plans, because while it might seem like a great idea to mix up the students, sometimes it means there is no escaping from the teasing, which brings me to my next point: You can't always take yourself out of the situation.

No matter what words are said. Even if the oppressor is dragged to you by the teacher and forced to mumble an apology, the words were still said. So when Chloe asked me if I thought she was beautiful, I turned the question around and asked "Do you think you are beautiful?" Because at the end of the day, the only person you sit alone with is yourself and God, unless you let the bully come home with you. We know God thinks you're pretty fantastic (Psalm 139), but do you believe it? I can't undo what the bully said to me, but I can either let it stick (like that pesky band-aid glue) or I can let it roll off of me like water on a duck. The words only have power if you give them it. I give my mom all the credit for teaching me to take every insult as a compliment. In fourth grade when I was called weird I was honored. Who wouldn't be? I mean who wants to be ordinary? When I was called "too smart" or "too nice"... well I'm still trying to see how thats an insult. When I stopped valuing the opinion of others more than myself, I began to realize that the bully really did deserve pity if the best insult they could make was such a compliment.

I used to talk too much (okay maybe I still do), but I started realizing that some people didn't deserve to hear what I had to say. Rather than freak out on them and point out their errors, I simply just stopped talking.  I shouldn't have to defend who God made me to be. I remember once being in a classroom discussion when someone made a cheap shot at me, invalidating my words due to something that I had NO CONTROL over (it also had NOTHING to do with the subject). Rather than run to my own rescue, I simply said "When you decide to use logic in this discussion let me know," and stopped participating. I wasn't mad, and I wasn't even insulted, I just didn't want to waste my breath on people who had obviously already made up their mind and clearly couldn't find real evidence to support it. So on matters you can't control, just remember that if you can't change it, learn to embrace it. You can't change your body, face or family, so learn to be so happy with who you are.

Chloe, your face is not something you can change, and frankly you shouldn't even try because it's pretty cute. So embrace it! Feel beautiful and I promise you'll look even more so (if that's possible). Be who you are, and learn to love it. Everyone tells you that you look just like me, so if people insult you, remember they also insult me, and you wouldn't be okay with that would you? Don't believe something about yourself that you wouldn't believe about someone you love! 

Now sometimes the insults aren't about your physical qualities, but your UNIQUE behaviors and attitudes. My roommate and I became pretty great friends over the past year or so, and we are both really sarcastic people. Sometimes we "insult" each other, but you know what?  No matter what she says I don't believe it, not even for a second, because I know in my heart it's not true. I also know that if it were true, she wouldn't say it in a joking manner. "Bullying" is never someone correcting you in an appropriate manner. EVER. Unless they sit down and have a discussion with you about how your behavior is harming those around you and about how they are telling you out of love and concern, it is not appropriate.  So why are you going to believe it's true? Clearly it's not done for your benefit, but for their pleasure, and last I checked that isn't how accountability works.

So Chloe, here's what I want you to know: At the end of the day, your quirky attitude brings smiles and joy to the people around you. People notice something is different about you, and I hope you are quick to tell them why exactly you are so joyful (1 Peter 3:15). I promise that if your quirkiness ever becomes too much and harms your relationships, I will sit down with you and talk about how your behavior is negatively affecting those around you. And if not me, I hope you have incredible friends that care about you so much, that rather than talk about your flaws, they will talk with you in order to help you grow as a person. That is a true measure of friendship, if they care enough about you to help you improve. Then AND ONLY then will your loved ones help you improve your behavior so that you become the most amazing friend ever. Until that day keep being the quirky beautiful you.