It's fine

I learned a million things as a high school athlete. Honestly I probably wouldn't be the person I am if I didn't play sports as a kid. But the biggest lesson I ever learned was that when you were hurt you just needed to suck it up.

Broken nose? Play through it.
Sprained ankle? Run it off.
Dislocated joint? Ski until it's back in.
Bleeding? Just don't get it on your uniform.

It seemed that no matter how serious the injury, if there was any chance to play through it (even the absolute slimmest chance) you HAD to go on. So usually we did. You can throw a band-aid on a paper cut and continue reading for days. You can stretch your calf until the pain subsides. Sometimes we really could suffer through the pain.

But not always.

There was always that one injury that everyone assumed was nothing. But it wasn't. The sprain that was really a break. The sore muscle that was really pulled. The bump that was really a concussion. The cut that got severely infected. Sometimes sucking it up doesn't help at all. Sometimes sucking it up just makes it worse. Sometimes if we would have properly taken care of the issue from the beginning we wouldn't have had any complications later on. 

But it starts with acknowledging that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. And that's true for all areas of life. Physical and emotional.

It starts with a question: "How are you today?"
It ends with a lie: "Okay"

The dictionary defines okay as "satisfactory, all right, correct" yet anytime I hear someone use it, I know that none of that is true. It's funny how sometimes we use positive adjectives to describe absolute turmoil. It's the emotional equivalent of "sucking it up" for an injury. But like trying to place a bandaid on a bullet wound, the injury is still visible, and no healing is being done. 

We don't want to say we are not okay because we hope that our shoddy attempts to fix our problems will work. Maybe if I throw myself into my classes the break up won't be so terrible. Maybe if I pick up some extra hours at work I won't have as much time to think about the pain. Maybe if I avoid that part of town I won't miss them so much. We try to fix the problem, but like homeowner that uses a picture to hide a hole in the wall, the problem is still there. It will have to be dealt with eventually. The picture will have to come down one day, and the hole will not fix itself. Fix it now or in 30 years when we sell the house. It might be too late.

When we tell someone we are okay, we are trying to convince someone else that we are doing "satisfactory", "all right" and that our life is "correct". Yet we don't believe it ourselves. We say the words with as much conviction as the playground bully being forced to apologize for his rein of terror.

When we say "I'm okay." we don't mean it. 

Usually we mean the opposite. We mean that we are tired. Stressed. Hurt. Insulted. Confused. Lost. In over our heads. We mean that it was hard to get out of the bed that morning. We mean that our eyes are stinging from holding back tears. We mean that we are in pain. And when we say we are okay we really mean we are not okay.
And that's okay.

It's okay to not be okay. 

Actually it's better to be not okay. Because if you are admitting that, you are already on your way to healing. We need to start treating our emotional more like our physical health. We need to take the time to deal with our minor issues before they become major problems.

So what exactly am I telling you? I'm not saying you have to tell every person that asks how you are all about your emotional well being. But there is one person you have to ALWAYS be honest with, and that person is:

Yourself. 

So if I asked you today how you are doing, and you said to yourself I'm okay, please don't stop reading now.
Take time to take care of whatever is bothering you. Take a nap. Take a bath. Go for a run. Go shopping. Go sit in a tree. Talk to God. Talk to a friend. Talk to yourself. Breathe. Sob. Yell. Scream. Kick.

Do whatever you have to do to tear down the picture that you tried to hang over your emotional hole. Take the time to fix it now. 
Be honest.
Be real.
Be not okay.

Asked and Answered

Today it happened. It's been a long few months and at times I wondered when it would finally give way. Today it did.

My writer's block cleared. It was not unprompted though. Something much bigger happened first:

My bracelet finally fell off. 

My worn and tattered "red rope" bracelet finally slipped off of my wrist. It happened simply enough. I sat down on the couch after supper, and when I got up to go to the gym I noticed that my wrist weighed a fraction less. Crumbled beside me was a faded twist of string. My heart sank. I had been dreading the day.

It was more than red cord.
It was so much more than frayed strings.
It was more than tight knots.
It was a reminder.
It was a symbol.
It was an idea.

The bracelet was neatly braided during my missions trip to the Bahamas. It plunged into the Atlantic with me. It snorkeled through the Caribbean with me. It talked to kids, hugged strangers, and ran through airports. And that was just on the trip. It then traveled to 20 states. It presented at regional and local conferences. Clicked through more grad schools than I can count. It had tough conversations. Shook the hand of my future supervisor. It waved to kind passerbys. Greeted countless of Cedarville guests. It held crying friends. Rocked out at my dream concert. It biked hundreds of miles. Drove across the country in the ultimate best friend road trip. It moved into my very first apartment. The bracelet was with me through one of the most eventful 3 months of my life.

The bracelet represented the incredible friendships that I formed on my trip (It was a friendship bracelet after all). But there was something bigger than just friendship that was embodied by the cord. It was about Trust. It was about true, untouched, incredibly powerful, trust in God. It was about telling God that while I love to plan, I would learn to rely wholly on His plan. The bracelet wasn't just a fashion statement, it was an outward expression of the attitude of my heart.

That bracelet changed my life. 

Not the actual fibers. It wasn't the dye. It was the idea.

On my misson's trip I vowed to keep giving God my future plans. I vowed to give God my heart, so that He could give me the desires of my heart. A heart chasing after Him. A heart in full allegiance to His will for my life. And it started with planning less and giving more. I gave my plans to God before I even allowed myself to mess them up with my mere human scribbles. I lifted up my burdens before my muscles grew weary from trying to carry them on my own.

This semester I hit my knees more times than I can count.
I hit them for research opportunities.
I hit them for wisdom in friendships.
I hit them for internship possibilities.
I hit them for sick loved ones.
I hit them for struggling strangers.
I hit them for myself.
I hit them for a million more reasons than I could ever explain.
And if I had to summarize my semester in one word, I would say quite simply:
Answered.

There is an old children's song that talks about how sometimes God answers "Yes" when we pray, and sometimes He says "No." In either circumstance, God answers according to His love for us. I know that is quite the concept to wrap our heads around: love might say no. But any loving parent, God doesn't give us EVERYTHING that we want (because even though we really want the dog, we probably won't actually care for it, and even though we really want the ipod we probably will lose it [sorry mom and dad]). Luckily God actually knows what's best for us.

So this semester God answered some prayers with a heartbreaking "NO." And there were tears over what I thought were missed opportunities. There were tears over lost loved ones. And you can bet there were tears over poor grades (*** disclaimer you CANNOT pray your way to an "A"... even especially on a Bible exam). There were tears of exhaustion. Tears of confusion.

But there were also tears of joy. There was dancing. Jumping. Leaping. And hugs.
All because sometimes God doesn't just say "Yes." Sometimes He looks a the tiny broken toy that you ask Him to fix, and He answers with a totally new one.
There were unexpected research opportunities.
There was an unexpected meeting.
There were unexpected academic honors.
There were unexpected friends.
There was an unexpected guy (seriously, I had NO idea that was even a request).

They were all answers to prayers I didn't even utter. But my heart knew. And God knew. Fortunately for us God hears the prayer of our heart when our lungs are deflated and our lips are silent. Somehow God continually surpassed my expectations. It's like He knows the actual BEST things for me. But it didn't mean that I always came to Him first. Sometimes the tears came from pride. From trying to do it on my own. Like a child running to their mother for a band-aid, I sometimes fell before God pleading for Him to take over the situation. And rather than ignore me, He'd gently lift me up and set me on a path that I could have never imagined.

So yes today marks the end of a constant physical reminder of God's answers this past semester. But I pray that my heart will forever remember what it represents. It represents giving to God, so He can far surpass our measly expectations. It's about giving it all, and somehow getting more back.
It's about friendship. 
But more importantly, it's about trust. 

I found FREEDOM and I found JOY

Eleuthera.

That's the name of the slim island that I spent my spring break on. It means freedom in Greek. I came back changed, completely. No I didn't change my career plans. No I didn't sell everything I own and move down there. I brought back all of me (except a hat but that's a long story), but I brought back a different me,

I gained so much on the trip that I feel like I robbed the Island of some of its natural resources. On the island of freedom, I found freedom.

I found freedom from plans.
I had a lot of amazing plans for my missions trip, God had better ones. I had scheduled my week, God has scheduled my life. I knew the people I wanted to impact, God had ones I needed to impact. I had expectations that I wanted to meet, God had one: Love and serve Him fully. The things that ended up blessing me the most were things that I would have never thought of: an unexpected seat mate, a bubbly roommate and a funny student.
But I almost missed all of those blessings.
I almost changed seats, I almost switched rooms, and I almost passed the student by.
When we take a second and look up from our plans that we clutch to so tightly we are finally able to see the amazing plans that God has playing out around us.

I found freedom from pride. 
I had to learn that no matter how uncomfortable I was, I didn't have any right to put my comfort above someone else's. Yes, I had to do a ton of things that quite frankly I didn't enjoy. I had to face a few ridiculous fears, had to touch things I would have preferred to never see (let alone touch!) and I had to be in situations that I hated. But each time I survived. Why? Because I was able to look at the face of the person that I was trying to serve, and see them as Christ sees them: someone worth doing anything. I had to realize that I had no special privilege that allowed me to be comfortable while they suffered. If I had the power to ease their pain, I had the obligation to do so, no matter the cost. Constantly serving others makes you realize that your sole purpose in life is not just to make a great name for yourself, but to make His name Greater.

I found a lot of freedom on the island, but I never realized how exactly that freedom would change my life. But is has, because I learned that when freedom moves into your heart, the first thing it does is paint all of the walls bright yellow, changes the doorbell to laughter and lights the entire home all of the time. Freedom decorates with joy.

This joy has been something I've been trying to explain for weeks, but I just couldn't quite seem to put a name to the emotion. It's the toothy, eyes closed grin that stretches across my face. It's the laughter as I let go of all inhibition and truly enjoy life.

I found freedom, and I hope that others see it too. I hope it spills out in my excited waves, corny jokes and tight hugs. I hope that the freedom I found and the joy that it created is something that I can share with everyone. I want my faith to remain unshaken in the midst of trials and I want my hope to be anchored through the storm. I want my smile to remain even in the chaos, because I want to always live, laugh and love freely.

I want Eleuthera to not just be an island in the Bahamas, but the theme of my heart.

The Red Cord

Like any cliché missions team, we had to make matching friendship bracelets, but these bracelets symbolize something deeper. They do not only show our friendship, but also our mutual decision to let God write our story. That is the theme of our trip after all:  My Story: His Story 

If there was one thing that I never thought I would get up in a group of 50 students and say, it was that I could relate to Rahab (Joshua 2), you know the prostitute? 

 But I did, because I can.

While I've never had the same major sin struggle that Rahab did, I was caught in a similar trap. Rahab thought that she had life going for her, she thought she was the one writing the story of her life. Really she was just writing scribbles when the Author of her life was standing by, ready to create a masterpiece.

If there is one thing I love, it’s kids. Recently I was helping a toddler write her name. She tried many times to write it herself, but for some reason her squiggles and lines just didn't look write. Finally I jumped in and came to her aid. While we were both holding on to the crayon, in reality I was the one doing the writing. While she proudly showed everyone how she wrote her name, I smiled knowing that it was really in my penmanship. She thought she had things under her control, but really she didn't. If I wouldn't have been there to help her, she wouldn't have been able to write her name (or at least write it in a way that anyone could understand).

Rahab was like a young child, trying to write her own story of glory, love, respect and honor, but really she was just writing a story of shame, embarrassment and regret. Rahab had a heart change though. She took a step of blind faith and she let down the red rope that would symbolize to the outside world that God was the one in charge of her future. 

Rahab let go of her carefully laid plans, and was caught by the mighty hand of God. I've been like Rahab so many times, clutching tightly to the well drawn out plans for how I want things to go. My sweaty palms wrinkling the paper and running the ink. But my plans don't get me anywhere. Like plane tickets without a plane, I have promises of going somewhere, but no way to get there.

That is why we are all wearing these bracelets. These “red ropes” are a personal reminder of the times in our lives where we had to let go of our plans, in order to cling to God while He wrote something better for us. At times our hands had to be pried off of the plans: unwilling and hesitant to let go. Other times we came in full surrender: sweaty palms outstretched after we realized that we could no longer hold on.

I am proud to say that out of all the bible characters, I feel most connected to Rahab: the prostitute that one day came to her senses and realized that writing wasn’t her strong suit, but that trusting was.

Changing Perspectives: Out of focus

For those of you who may not know, I have glasses for reading. They remove some of the fuzzies, magnify the words and bring stuff into focus. As great as the glasses are, I can only wear them for a short time because once I need to look at something further than 5 feet away, they actually hurt more than help. Although there is a time and a place to focus on the here and near, we can't let that blur our view of the world just beyond our reach. Sometimes we need to change perspectives

Yesterday, my perspective was changed, not by my own doing... but luckily God doesn't mind dragging us kicking and screaming when He has to.

It began when I woke up and checked into my flight yesterday morning. For some reason I felt compelled to change from an aisle seat to a window seat, and since the change was free, I went for it. Later on I found out that I actually gave up my seat near 3 of the girls I was traveling with, so I was a little disappointed, but I was still excited about my window seat. (Side bar: flying from Vegas is actually the most beautiful flight that I have EVER been on).

When I got to my seat, a couple was already sitting in the B and C seats, and after the short and sweet introductions they shared that they were returning from caring for the man's dying mother. Honestly, I groaned on the inside, knowing that this would likely turn into a vent session. Yup, that selfish thought ran through my mind, as it often does, because when people hear that I am a psych major, they often have this COMPULSION to share EVERYTHING with me. The problem was that they didn't know I was a psych major, they were just being real with me.

Anyway, to avoid having to listen to their problems, I plopped my headphones in and did more "important" things, like deleting and editing pictures on my phone. I was tired after all, and it was fine to just want to relax, right? I tried to rationalize away the desire to talk to them that was tugging at my heart. I figured that if I quickly uttered that I would pray for them as we grabbed our carry ons and rushed off of the plane, my "Christian duty" would be done for the day.

If you are still reading this, I hope you are disgusted by my behavior as I am at this point.

This is me with my reading glasses on. I was focusing too much on MYself, worrying about how tired I was, so I decided to try to sleep. Sleep usually comes VERY easily to me on a plane, but for some reason, I could not for the life of me turn my brain off. I begin to wonder if maybe I sat in THAT seat for a purpose. If maybe I COULDN'T sleep for a reason. I decided to lean over to my seat mates and strike up a conversation.

This is where I take my reading glasses off. The world's initially a little fuzzy, and I'm not too keen on my task at hand, but I stick with it.

Once I got them talking, they didn't stop, and that was OKAY. We talked about the man's dying mother, about the woman's dead parents, about my passed loved ones. We talked for 2 hours straight, with barely enough time to breathe. At times they were both talking to me about different things.

It was crazy.
It was overwhelming.
It was raw.
It was real.
It was beautiful.

Here were these complete strangers who were so willing to be honest and real and open in the best possible way. I watched as a grown man cried at the thought of losing his mother and as he winced at the mention of her poor condition. His wife glancing first at him and then at me and whispering, "I worry about him and all of this stress" [He has PTSD from a very traumatic event]. I saw real honest emotion, coming from two of the most real people I now know. We, mostly they, talked and talked and talked.

The most incredible thing though, was that the whole time they talked about their problems, the focus was never about themselves. It was on their children, their community, their family, anything but themselves. Every story has some sort of application for me like, "You keep your nose in those books..." or "You help those who need a hand whenever you can..." They shared wisdom and tips on how to rely on your friends and faith, how to practically love your neighbor, and how to never take for granted every blessing that you have. At one point the woman looked at me as she spoke about the MANY hardships that she has recently endured and remarked quite simply, "When life throws you a curve, you either dodge it or you try to catch it."

As the plane began to descend, I took down their names to pray for them (the mom's name is Betty so please pray for her) and gave them my contact information.

At the end of the flight the man looked at me and said that he knew I was sent by God to sit with them on the flight. The woman added that all they wanted was for someone to be kind to them in their hurt. They thought it was ironic that they sat next to a psychologist,  and I quickly I reminded them that I didn't have a degree. The man's reply is something that will likely stick with me forever, "I think you are more than qualified by God."

They had nothing but encouraging words about my past upbringing ("You hug your mom and tell her she did an amazing job") and my future career (which they only learned about AFTER they shared everything). It seemed like everything they complimented me on was the exact OPPOSITE of my behavior for the first half of the flight for example, "You could have put your headphones in and just ignored us, but instead you chose to be kind." I was glad to be able to help them, but it seemed like each compliment was another blow to my heart, reminding me of just how selfish I had been.

I got off the plane expecting to feel sky high, full of encouragement and praises. Instead I felt torn, on the one hand I was glad that God was able to speak through me to these people, but I also felt incredibly guilty: in my selfishness I almost didn't help them. I was too focused on the here and now to see these people in desperate need of the heart salve that I always carry with me: the Love of Christ.

I praise God that I didn't miss THIS chance to minister to these hurting people, but I cringe at the thought of how many chances I have let pass me by. If I want to help the hurting people of the world I don't need to have a fancy degree or charge $100 an hour. I can start with the people all around me: the ones that just "happen" to cross my path when they need His words the most. After all, I'm qualified by God to do just that.

Today there are a few things that are the subject of most of my prayers:
1) The man and woman
2) Betty
3) This song, that I hope is not only catchy lyrics, but also the deepest desire of my heart.

4) That this blog encourages YOU to have a change of perspective as well.

Dear Younger Me(s)

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go back in time, and during an hour of desperation and despair, or triumph and joy in my life, quietly whisper into my ear a word or two. I guess this is what I'd say:


Dear Newborn me,

Don't worry, you'll make it. This world is big and scary, but give it a couple minutes and you'll feel right at home. God has big plans for you baby. Who knows how many lives you'll touch; but here's one thing that I know for sure: you'll change the world.                     Love,

Me/You/Us

P.S. Now would be a great time to start breathing
P.S.S. Maybe someday you will be able to tame that hair... but that day hasn't come yet.


                                                                        Dear Toddler me, 

You sure love collecting shells with your Memere and collecting golf balls with your Pa. Start collecting memories with them too! Cherish every moment, because you never know when your time with them will run out. Listen to them both, they know what's best for you. Someday you'll find yourself sitting in your dorm room reciting the life-changing quotes, the ones that had gone over your head at the time, but now go right to your heart. Soak in every possible moment, from sitting on the roof eating skittles to pulling weeds in your garden, enjoy it. NEVER miss a chance to spend time with them. Hear their stories, some day you'll miss the stories about your Pa during the war. Let Memere show you how to bake (you need all the help you can get). When your time with them is cut short, you won't have regrets: Your last words to both of them will be, "I love you." Maybe you don't understand what all of that means, so... just go call your Pa (even if it's 5 AM) he'll love to hear from you.                                             Love, 

Me/You/Us 

P.S. When your Pa says stop running before you slip... 

well we learned the hard way that you should have just

 listened to him.

Dear Elementary me,

School's really not going your way. I'm sorry about that, it might not help much, but can I tell you a secret? Someday you'll be sorta good at it, and things will come more naturally. For now though, you need to figure out what works best for you. As hard as it is, maybe you shouldn't sit near your friends. Also, I know you had a bad experience with being forced to journal, but maybe she was on to something. Journaling will take you through some pretty tough times in life, so why not give it another try? Also stress balls will save you from fidgeting so much. Taylor, I know you hate who you are sometimes, but promise me one thing? Stay true to who you are. Eventually you'll mellow out, and one day in a college class, you'll understand yourself and your struggles a little better. Keep trying in school, stop rushing to be first, and strive to actually learn. Don't give up on yourself, because one day you will be blessed with some amazing teachers who won't give up on you either.                                         Love, 

                                                                  Me/You/Us

P.S. I know what you're wondering... and NO

you won't ever learn how to smile in pictures 

without squinting 

Dear 3rd/4th grade me,

No matter how much crying, kicking and screaming you do, he isn't leaving. He really loves your mom, and he really loves you too. It's hard to believe it now, but this will end up being one of the best ever things to happen to you. You're going to have a family. That's what you've always wanted. He's going to be your dad. So stop running away crying whenever you see him, because one day you'll be running to him crying. I promise, you'll be really thankful for this man. Also he's going to miss you the most when you go to school... so be prepared for the many, many calls and texts!                         Love,

Me/You/Us

P.S. Don't worry that you didn't catch anything this time you went fishing, one day you'll out-fish your Papa and Pepere Bill. 

 

Dear Middle School me,

Oh dear. You act so goofy, and are so loud, but I
know what's on the inside: you're scared, hurt, and lonely. I know you don't think you have any friends now, but someday you'll stop worrying about the quantity of friends, and you'll start focusing on the quality of friends, and trust me: you're going to have some quality friends. Life is getting pretty complicated, and suddenly things aren't quite what they seemed. You just discovered boys don't have cooties, and even though everyone else has a "boyfriend," don't find your value in a guy. Someday you (along with your friends) will look back and laugh on some of the interesting choices you made. Good  news though: your weird "relationships" will be the extent of your teenage rebelling, much to the joy of your parents! Stop worrying about what others think, and start caring about what your Maker thinks. Please, just stop worrying.         Love,
                                                                Me/You/US
P.S. I know you're on your way to "Young Authors."
Believe it or not one day you'll be rooming with a
girl who was in the same book as you.


         

Dear Junior Year me,

You are exhausted. Burnt out beyond belief. You need to learn how to take better care of yourself. No one gets the best part of you when you are so exhausted and short-tempered. I'm proud of you for being motivated to stay ahead in AP and your college class, but at what cost? Just do me a favor now, please, just breathe. Learn to take care of yourself: Take a jog, read a book, pray, spend time with God. You're not healthy. Well, now for the good news: The effects of your exhaustion will last for years, but don't worry, one day you really will no longer struggle with anxiety. More short-term: You're going to have an absolute blast at prom, you'll feel amazing, great: like you've never felt before. Coral is really your color so superb choice. Believe it or not you'll dance the night away... or well do that thing you call dancing, and no, you won't ever learn how to have rhythm (all though a lot of people will try to help you!)                                       Love,

Me/You/Us

P.S. Remember that random school you cut out of a 

magazine in September? Cedarville or whatever? Yeah,

you're going there, and you're going to absolutely love it.

Dear last semester senior me,

Stop being so anxious to leave the school. One day you'll miss the way the light floods through the door and blinds you when you head to English. You'll miss the way the halls ALWAYS smelled. You'll miss your mom being a few steps, rather than a thousand miles, away. You'll miss the kids who are "so annoying" (college fixes that all out). You're excited to get out and see the world, but this will always be home in your heart. You'll miss the views, the food (ah, poutine) and the people. Take time to love it now! Stop counting down the hours until you are "free" because graduating from high school isn't what will make you free: being you will. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. The people that see the "weird you" and still stick around are the only ones you really want to have in your life anyway. So you're a bit strange, it's okay, I'll let you in on a world-wide secret: everyone else is to. Get ready for college, make some friends, have a great last summer at home. Don't lie awake at night fretting about your future, but spend every waking minute being present in the moment. Live YOUR life, the one that God created you to live.                        Love, 
                                                                         Me/You/Us
P.S. One dark night on your way to the hospital, instead
of writing your graduation speech, you'll be planning your
Pepere's eulogy. Quit now... I'll spoil the ending: He makes
it, and I don't think there is anyone more excited to see you
get that diploma than him.
                 
As much as I'd love to say these things to myself (and many... many more) I've also come to realize that some mistakes had to be made (again and again) in order for me to come who I am today. So do I have some regrets? Sure, and people often remind me of them. Do I wish I would have spared myself from some pain? Who wouldn't?! But at the end of the day, my past made me who I am today. So I guess if I were given the opportunity, here's what I'd day: Sir, your time machine is really neat but I'm going to decline your offer. It's tempting but I guess I'd really prefer not to travel back in time just to save myself some mistakes and pain, because in the end, I think I turned out okay.

The Social Media Purge

This semester I took a course where one of the assignments was essentially to break a bad habit (I told you in my last post that psych majors tend to have touchy feeling assignments). Unfortunately it didn't take me too long to come up with a VERY long list of all of the bad habits that I could break.

When I really thought about it, I realized that a lot of the habits I needed to break (getting distracted, going to bed late, missing out on what was around me) all had to do with me depending on my phone too much. So I thought about it (and prayed about it) and I knew that my ultimate goal would have to be to spend less time on my phone.

I needed to go extreme. Like delete all social media apps off of my phone and log out of my accounts extreme.
No Instagram.
No Facebook.
No Pinterest.
No SnapChat.

As one of my friends affectionally called it: I went Amish for a month.

You know the saying, "You never know a good thing until it's gone?" Well, you really never realize how important something is in your life until you can't have it. Like a best friend trapped in the woods with no cell service, or the sweater you left in your closet at school (not like this has EVER happened to me or anything) you only realize how much you rely on something when you don't have it.

The first week was weird, because I was still going on my phone often, only to realize that I couldn't do anything except *gasp* call and text on my phone. I would grab my phone out of habit, only to realize that I couldn't get distracted on it like I had in the past.  Then week 2 came around and I noticed that I was carrying my phone a lot less (to the initial frustration of everyone who tried to get a hold of me). But that wasn't the only thing I noticed:

I also noticed people on the way to class that I would have normally blown on by, head down, eyes glued to my screen.  I talked to friends, strangers, professors, lost guests and myself (maybe I shouldn't admit that). Anyway the point is that because my eyes were on my screen less, I was able to notice those around me, and I was actually having FACE-TO-FACE INTERACTIONS... who would have thought?!

Not only was I noticing people more, I was spending more quality time with those closest to me. No longer did I want to eat lunch alone (since I had nothing to distract me) which meant that I went out of my way to eat with my friends. Over time, I simply stopped bringing my phone to the table, and started finding out the stressers, joys, prayer requests, jokes and aspirations of others, from them, rather than their profile page. I started being more intentional about investing in others, simply because I was focusing on my real friends rather than my Facebook friends.

The month went by, and I wasn't itching to have the social media back.

I'm sure I missed about 5 proposals, 2 pregnancy announcements, 49 recipes, and 6 "for sale" ads. Not to mention the many, many, snapchats that people were disappointed that I would never see. No wedding planning was being done, and my Pinterest boards were a wreck.

But I no longer missed it. 

No, social media isn't a terrible thing (after all you probably got here from my link on Facebook) but I had given it an unhealthy position in my life. After some reflection since my purge I realized some hard truths about the place that my phone held in my life:

              I would wake up and pray for God to use me that day to build His kingdom,                                         yet I'd spend my day looking at my phone, rather than at the people He had
              placed around me. I'd spend more time communicating through pictures,
              than through words. I gave a man-made invention more of my time than I
              would give to the people around me, the very ones who ACTUALLY could
              love me back.

So what's changed? 

Well, as far as the little habits, I've decided to keep most of the apps off of my phone (which is why I will never get your snapchats, although I'm sure they really are hilarious). I log out of Facebook on my laptop so that it's more effort the next time I want to go on, usually I'm too lazy, so my notifications go unchecked. I rarely check Instagram during school, and Pinterest is left untouched during the semester.

But it wasn't just the little things that changed. As silly as it is to say: that month of no social media, really changed me. Overall I'm more present in my own life. I'm less plugged into technology, and more connected to those around me. I became a better friend, student, tour guide and Christian. All because I gave up social media for a month. All because I trained myself to use my phone less. All because I took the time to realize my priorities and refocus my attention. 

That's what I realize that I needed all along: a wake-up call. I needed to realize how out of line my priorities were. Is the phone of reality ringing in your life? Are you going to ignore it forever? I'd challenge you to answer it, after all, it might just change your life.