The 3 Hardest Words to Say

Lately I've been doing a ton of driving (I've put about 3000 miles on my car since I got her), and with driving comes a lot of thinking (and singing at the top of my lungs*). Anyway, I really enjoy listening to talk radio and recently I was listening to an interview with the daughter of one of the Charleston victims. I can honestly say that what she said will probably stick with me forever. 

Do you know what she told the sick man who killed 9 members of their close-knit church family? She said "We don't have room in our heart for hate, so we will choose to forgive." Just a quick, one sentence blurb was enough to control my thoughts for the rest of the weekend, as I instantly began to think about what true forgiveness is, and more importantly what it isn't. 

Over the past year I've had a lot of, shall we say practice, forgiving. It was clearly a message that I needed to learn. You know one of those times that you read something about forgiveness, watch something about forgiveness and then hear something about forgiveness all within two days. You really can't ignore that. I always thought that forgiveness was just that short "You are forgiven" sentence that you muttered after someone grumbles a half-hearted apology, but during my first year at school, I learned that forgiveness is a hard journey that only begins with these words. 

When some one wrongs you, you are hurt. You feel the pain of sadness, but lurking below the surface is the silent monster of anger. You are angry at how they make you feel. You are angry at how they treat you. YOU ARE ANGRY.  The problem is that we often try to advance on our journey of forgiveness without realizing that getting over the anger is the first step. It's like putting Neosporin on a splinter without first removing the chuck of wood. It won't heal. In order to get rid of the fruit of the problem you need to get to the root of the problem.

This year I dealt with a lot of anger, but the problem is that I don't think the people I was angry at and hurt by even had a clue. They probably didn't know that some nights I would get so worked up, I would cry myself to sleep, or that I often dreaded interactions, as I felt like I always left feeling worse. So how to you get rid of anger when the person doesn't even know you are angry? I come from a family that talks things out, so I had no clue how to have one-sided healing.

The way I did it (as I do most things) was with a pencil and a pad of paper. I had to get everything out, even if my paper was the only one that ever heard. I sat by the fire and let the flames jump, both in the fire pit and in my heart. I worked well for me and I hope it might help someone else.

You get real angry. You get real fired up. You let the tears roll. You say EVERYTHING you ever thought. You talk about what you missed out on or gave up because of them. You write down how they make you feel. You write down the truth: You are so ANGRY that you HATE them. Your hand flies across the page and you realize that maybe you had more emotions pent up than you thought. It's so easy to focus on the pain, but doing that is like taking off on 6th, your engine may go wild, but you go nowhere (Surprisingly, I don't have any experience doing this). So what do you do now? You do the hardest thing in the forgiveness process: You let go.

You let the letter drop into the fire, disgusted with the fact that it is hate not lead that fills the page. You watch as the edges brown and the words melt into a pile of useless ashes. You cry, because you know that you have to let go of the hurt that has become your close friend. You let your emotions become like the paper, slowly catching, flaring up, and then dying quickly. You will stop fueling this fire. How?

Sure you could just forget it, ignore it, and pretend it ever happened. "Forgive and forget" after all. But that doesn't really make sense to me. If you rip out a bunch of weeds and do nothing to replace them, nature will take over. Sure you might get some grass growing back eventually, but you also run the risk of the weeds popping back up. So? You replace it. You plant a beautiful flower which will blossom year after year.


Even if no one can pinpoint what changed on your yard, they know something is different, but more importantly you appreciate how much it has bettered your life. Unfortunately you can't "plant" emotions like you can plant lupines. You have to work for it. And this one is awfully difficult to cultivate.

                                    Love. 

Who knew it's not just for Valentine's Day, but everyday? Love is often symbolized by hearts and roses, but what does love look like when it comes to forgiveness? It looks like being nice, even when you think they deserve your wrath. It means that you give them something you have, even when you think you deserve it. It's about being kind even when you don't feel appreciated. See a trend? Love is all about learning how to stop thinking about how YOU feel when YOU love on them, and starting to think about how THEY will benefit from it. It will be tough. You will get tired of pouring into them, when they don't give you so much as a drop. But, love doesn't need to be received to be given, so you keep going.

There is one Bible verse that kept me going, even when I had every earthly reason to quit. Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest IF WE DO NOT GIVE UP" (Emphasis mine). It be like a farmer ripping up his crops because he doesn't see anything one day after planting. Instead he keeps working in the fields, getting them ready for when he finally sees the green sprouts peeking through, and even if his crops don't come up that year, he doesn't just up throw away the work clothes and put on a suit, leaving farming forever. He keeps working, because he knows that someday his HARD WORK will pay off. Even when his crops don't give back right away, he keeps pouring in his resources. Love is like that. Real love doesn't only show itself when it is well received. Real love keeps showing up, even ESPECIALLY when it isn't welcome.

So yes, I've been hurt, but rather than wake up with an ache in my heart and a pit in my stomach, I wake up with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. Because love is a lot easier to carry around than anger. After all, with all the love I have in my heart, do I really have any room for hate in my heart?


*** This is my formal warning that if you are a passenger in a car I am driving I will sing... loudly... the whole time...***

The Great Unknown (aka The Future)

It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve written a post, but you know what they say “time makes the heart grow fonder.” Okay, no one actually says that, except me, and maybe some other weird people out there (we can be friends).  

            Anyway, in my last post I promised that I would share my tentative future plans with you. I say tentative because… well I’m a teenage girl (not for long) so my career aspirations can change in the blink of an eye. I think I can safely say that I’m actually pretty sure about this one though. ***

            I have decided to drop out of Cedarville and go to the Great North to pursue my true calling of selling ice to Eskimos.     (If you have never heard that expression before, or you don’t know how it applies to me, you have likely never heard me try to sell you something.)

            In all seriousness though, there is a career path that God has been truly laying on my heart lately. I’ve been praying for guidance, and I still really feel that it is where God is guiding me. After finishing up at Cedarville in 2017, I want to pursue my PhD in Clinical Psychology and then specialize in military trauma treatment.  

            First off, let me just say that yes, it will take me a ton of years of schooling to get two little letters in front of my name (That’s D-r just to specify). What amazes me, is that most people’s first reaction to me saying that I plan to become a Doctor is, “Wow, that’s a lot of school.” Sometimes I try to act surprised, like I had no clue,  so if this has happened to you and you found it offensive, I am sorry that I can’t always control my sarcasm, but you have to understand how often I hear that. I would just love for ONE person to say to me  “Wow, you must be really determined to follow your dreams!” or maybe “I bet it will be worth it.” Please, just don’t remind me of how long it will take. I think that if you love something and feel passionate about it, well, then the extra years of education will only make you love it more. 

            Second off, if it seems like a super specific specialization, well that’s true, but it’s been one that has slowly come together over the past 12 years. I recently found a paper from 1^st grade, and apparently I wanted to do psychology back then, except I couldn’t (and still can’t) spell that, so I wrote something pretty close. During my sophomore and junior year, I was really considering enlisting in the Air Force, but ultimately I felt that God was calling me to get my education first. (I just wanted to mention that I even trained a ton to be in perfect shape so that I could go to basic before senior year, somehow I have lost the art of the perfect push up since then).  This year during the Missions Conference at Cedarville,I  finally got direction on how to combine the two. I realized that God didn’t necessarily need me to be a missionary, He had something else in the works and that was serving our Service members.

         Finally, what does this fancy specialty even me? Well according to Webster… just kidding, I won’t be cliché (this time). What I want to do is specialize in how we prevent, treat and manage the mental effects of war (such as PTSD). I am not sure if I want to do it with an organization, think Wounded Warrior Project type, or with the Military directly. I mean I am a little biased to a certain branch, but I will keep it secret so that I don't have to hear all of the ChAIR-Force jokes. Awww shucks I gave it away. 

       Overall I can't help but be excited to see where my path will lead me, but so far, this is the map I'm following. Obviously there are some variables, like finding a great guy (the search is on), starting a family (I have the names picked), and all of the other crazy stuff life might bring (please let it be a book deal). I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what life brings. 

            *** Disclaimer: Plans and goals are subject to change and are at the mercy of the Ultimate Planner. Jeremiah 29:11. Results may vary***

The first step of a long journey

Since I've been home from college I have been getting asked ONE question constantly:
"So is there a guy in your life?" I just want to ease the minds of my loved ones and let you know that if there were a guy crazy enough to be with me, I would let everyone know. 

Okay, so that's not the most frequently asked question, but I do get asked it a ton. The question I get asked the most is, "How was your first year of school?" I know I shouldn't, but I hate getting asked this question. It's not because I'm like a spy or something and every time you ask I have to give you my cover story... it's because I feel like I can never give the answer my year deserves. So usually I reply with something along the lines of "It's great, I loved it, I'm definitely going back." It hits everything the asker is wondering, so they leave the conversation feeling happy and well informed. Yet I wonder just how much is condensed down into that short statement. So yes, Cedarville is great and yes I love it,  but I feel like unless I sat down for an hour I could never do my year justice. I decided that it would be great to give a recap of my Cedarville University love story for everyone wondering.


Tough Stuff: First off, let me answer the questions that everyone (sometimes not-so) secretly wonders: Yes, I got homesick. Sometimes I would just sit on my bed listening to country music (something about country feels like home), thinking about all the things I was missing at home. Yes, my sisters missed me a ton. Sometimes they would cry and call me asking me to come home. Sometimes I seriously wondered why I picked a college in the middle of the cornfields of Ohio. Honestly, it is so hard to miss out on so many milestones in my sister's lives, but someday I want them to be able to say "You know what, my sister took a risk and because she made it, I know I can make it too." Yes, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but Yes, it was all worth it. Once my parents saw what I fell in love with, they understood why Cedarville was where I needed to be.

Picture Perfect: From the second I stepped onto campus for the first time, I knew it was where I belonged. First off, the campus is beautiful. A large lake in the center, gorgeous buildings, and fields filled with tractors everywhere. Second off, by September it truly felt like home. I remember going for a bike ride and run one day when it just hit me "Home is where you make it to be." I realized that if I spent too much time thinking about how it wasn't Maine, I would miss out on what makes Ohio a pretty neat place to live. So no, it's not Maine, but it can be my home for now.

People: The professors really care. I once met with a professor (that I don't even have) at 5 o'clock on a Friday night for him to answer some questions I had for a speech project. Sometimes they invite us into their homes for meals, and I have heard more than one hilarious story about my each of my psych profs. They give you book recommendations, career advice and life lessons, all without a single complaint. They share in your victories and mourn in your sorrows. As my mentor once said "Someday I hope to be sitting in my rocker at an old folks home and have a nurse come up and say 'You remember that Taylor Hobbs girl? Well look at everything she has done!' And then I'll know that I poured into you so much that you became more than I could have imagined."
     The people who work all over campus absolutely love the place. From the maintenance guys to the store clerk in town, everyone loves and prays for the students on campus. I was blessed enough to score an awesome job in Admissions this past semester, and I don't think people realize how much those people care about them. We regularly pray for our prospective students to follow God's path, even if it doesn't take them to Cedarville. Love is at the center of every call we make, email we send, and card we write.
    Finally, I met a ton of great peers. From Day One I met so many upperclassmen who were willing to grab lunch with a freshman to answer my questions and give me advice. So many great friendships and opportunities came out of these lunch dates. Also, having so many diverse classes meant that I quickly became a part of the school, someone who could wave to a majority of people as I walked by. Honestly I think the nicest thing was not being a minority because of my morals and beliefs. It was great to not have my beliefs questioned, but understood.

Opportunities: Since I've been at Cedarville I've had the chance to some pretty great opportunities. During my first semester I wrote for the school paper, which meant I had the chance to meet and interview a ton of interesting people. Even though the people were all so different, they shared two common loves: God and Cedarville. I joined a gospel choir because there were no auditions required. It's incredible because God really opened doors that I didn't even know existed. Some people may know that I will also be graduating a year early. That's such a blessing and I seriously can't believe it all worked out.
I figured it would make a great story... especially considering everyone that knows me well enough knows I can't carry a tune. Every Monday I ate with the French club which meant I learned some Parisian french, and they learned some Canadian french. Next year I will actually be serving as the VP of the club. PKT is not a sorority, even though the letters look Greek. Just thought I should get that out there. It's actually the org (like a club) for Psych majors. I also got a spot as a tour guide and I'm on the Student Academic Advisory Board as the Junior Psychology Rep.

   Campus life is also great and though I didn't go to a party on campus (not even a little sad about that), I zip-lined, ice skated, slid, laser tagged and met a ton of famous speakers and singers, all on campus.
   Also Cedarville is located with in an hour of 3 of the most popular concert spots. This means that almost every big band's tour comes within an hour of campus. So, I got to have a front row spot to see Switchfoot for free, great seats for the Reliant K 10 Year Anniversary Tour, and met Phil Wickham.

Lessons learned: The great thing about going to a Christian college is that the overwhelming majority of the learning doesn't come from a textbook, but from the Good Book. While professors want to make you into good professionals, they are more concerned with making you a disciple. They help you explore your beliefs and teach you how to build your beliefs into your career. While I have learned so much about psychology from the few courses I have been able to take, I have learned so much about myself through learning about my faith. I have learned about the power of prayer, and about the danger of trying to fix something before asking God to help. I've learned how to think more humbly and be more patient. I fell in love again with God's Word and my prayer life grew to an intimacy never before experienced. Hopefully, I have learned to be a better friend, sister, and human.

I hope this post did a little bit better of a job at telling you how my year went. As you can see, it really was great and I did love it... but there is so much more to it than just that.

My next blog will be about the direction I feel God is calling me to go as far as my career is concerned, so be on the lookout, it's pretty interesting.

Valley Girl at Heart

I would be lying if I said that picking a topic for this week would be easy. After 3 failed attempts to get the creativity flowing, I finally realized what I should do. At the end of the day the only thing you always have left are your roots. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my roots, because I've also been thinking about how this could very likely be my last summer at home for a while. I'm starting to realize that no matter where I land, I'll always have the place where I started close to my heart. 
The roads I learned to drive on, the lakes I froze by butt off on and the hills I was forced to run up. I know every turn in the road and every speed limit change by heart, and I can get you just about anywhere with a little time. I had heartbreaks, upsets and accomplishments up and down the river. It's home. 

So what is so great about this place I'm from? Well I'm a little biased, but I think it's probably one of the coolest places on earth for these reasons:

1)  People always ask me where I'm from, and sometimes I say Maine, sometimes I say New  Brunswick. To them it seems like a huge difference, but up here it's all the Valley. What exactly is "The Valley"? Well for about 100 miles the American/Canadian border is created by the St. John River. The small towns flanking each side form the area affectionally known as the Valley by most and home to a lucky few. So yeah I might have changed countries in eighth grade, but I never changed communities. It is probably the coolest thing ever to seemingly live in two countries at once.

Basically fact #1 is proof enough as to why the Valley rocks but I'll go on for you skeptics.

2) You know everybody by their vehicle. So even when you are too far away to see who's driving, you know that you need to wave. I mean after all even if it isn't who you were expecting, you will probably still know them, so it's not a high-risk situation.  I have on more than one occasion just driven through town in a near constant wave.

3) If you call the wrong number they will either a) know the person pretty well and have their number ready for you b) get out the phone book and figure out the number for you. It has happened more than once in my home. If you show up the wrong house they will point you in the right direction. You really can't get lost up here because someone will help you get find

4) You know that going "downstate" means driving 3 1/2 hours to get the nearest mall. Yes that's right folks we are in the sticks. Prove it? The nearest American Walmart is an hour away. So what does that mean? We don't have a ton of tourists and those that we do have either a) stick out a ton, but know how to mind themselves or b) fit right in and you would never know they weren't born there.

5) Talking to a stranger isn't being "really social" it's just normal. No you don't know that guy that you always end up running into everyday, but hey you'll probably talk to him a few times. Not formally (you'll never know his name), just enough to know how he's doing. For example: Hey [Monsieur that walks by my house everyday], how are you?

6) Seriously I can't stress enough that EVERYBODY KNOWS EVERYBODY. Obviously that has some pitfalls because well I mean small town drama, but at the end of the day I honestly think there are more ups than down about this.

7) If you are ever in need, people will do everything in their power to fix it. From changing a flat to lending you a buck, people here are so generous. I can't tell you how many spaghetti suppers I have been to that were fundraisers for families facing extreme hardships. Yes my town was giving money to strangers before "gofundme" existed. Seriously during the 2008 flood so many people opened their homes and hearts to complete strangers. We pull together to help our own succeed.

8) You rarely get cheated out of stuff because word travels fast and businesses hate to lose customers. People talk and if you aren't treating people right you won't last. I mean they won't go like all mafia on you and "take care of business" but you probably won't have the customers to keep you afloat.

9) When a word is on the tip of your tongue you don't have to struggle for long. If you can't think of it in English you can throw in the French equivalent and they will probably understand. So a sentence that switches language 4 times still makes perfect sense.

10) The biggest thing I will miss about home is the views. So many lakes, mountainous "skylines" and no building over 3 stories means that the views are incredible. My all-time favorite view is about mid-way up the local ski hill. From this vantage point you can see the river snake it's way between countries and wind on down the valley. Even from up there you can point out whose house is whose  and what building is what business.

Will I probably have a framed picture of the view in my office someday? No doubt. But even if I don't have a physical reminder, I'll always have my home close to me, because it has made me who I am today.